“Unhappiness in marriage often arises from the desire to change one’s spouse instead of oneself.” – Ingrid Bergman
A recent letter to Dear Abby came from a wife who says she loves her husband but over the last few years “almost everything he says” makes her extremely angry or annoyed. Does this sound familiar?
She goes on to say that she does “everything” for him. She manages the finances, does all the cooking and cleaning, and everything he asks for if he needs help or assistance. She is now angry and resentful.
But she also says she doesn’t know how to start to address the problem. Meaning she hasn’t talked with her husband about it.
Abby responds in support of her and against him. But she misses the most important point. Why has the wife been doing these things?
Is it because he can’t? Because he won’t? Because he expects her to? Is he not bringing anything positive to the relationship and her life?
Now, if he won’t be an equal partner that is a true problem.
But what if he believes she’s doing these things because she wants to? Or, she didn’t like the way he did them when he made the effort so he just gave up?
Because they aren’t talking about it, the answers remain unclear.
And far too many marriages look like this. With the love, compassion, and friendship dying as a result.
It appears that she is carrying a lot of the load. But she is an active participant. And that’s the position that is often missed. She made the decision to do these things.
I can hear many women responding, “If she doesn’t do them, they won’t get done!”
I call B.S.
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They have set their marriage up this way. Maybe not intentionally. But by default — the way most marriages function.
But instead of owning her choices, she is angry and resentful. Worse, she is verbally uncommunicative. Though I am sure her husband has some idea she is not happy because of her non-verbal communication.
If they have had conversations about these issues and he agreed to do more but didn’t follow through, he is at fault. As is any partner who does not honor their commitment.
And she is responsible for not sharing her feelings about the situation with him.
You can’t resolve what isn’t talked about. Silently stewing or writing to advice columnists won’t change things. Healthy, productive engagement with each other is the only thing that will.
If any of this resonates with you, dealing with it sooner rather than later, no matter how uncomfortable, is the only way to have a healthy, happy, successful marriage.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out and let me know what you want to address with your wife but don’t know how.
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