“ Don’t be mean. There’s no need to be mean.” Buckaroo Bonzai
When I was in high school, the boy’s vice principal wanted to move our graduation from the football field, where it was traditionally held, to a more contained environment. (Hall of Liberty at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Hollywood Hills was one suggestion. Yes, really.)
The Senior Class Officers were appalled. As I was complaining to my mom she said, “What are you going to do about it?” I dashed off a harsh letter to the Vice-Principal. After my mother read it, she simply said, “You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
I rewrote the letter addressing his concerns and my graduation was once again held on the football field.
My mother’s advice is something we all might want to embrace when we find ourselves in difficult situations.
Because you cannot control what happens in the world, or even in your own home.
What you can control is what you choose to do in light of those events.
I hear this all the time from my clients.
- My wife accuses me of things I didn’t do so I have to defend myself
- During arguments with my wife, I lose my temper and call her names. But she starts it.
- My wife won’t be intimate with me, so I have no choice but to watch porn/have an affair.
Yes, your wife may be doing these things. But she is never responsible for how you respond. That is always on you.
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And one of the best ways to respond is with love and compassion.
All major religions teach about love and compassion. Unfortunately, many followers don’t practice it. Nor do far too many spouses.
But compassion is the key to moving through these tough interactions. It allows for a deeper understanding of what is driving the other person.
Compassion doesn’t require agreeing with the other person. It just gives you both the opportunity to go deeper about their beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors.
It’s a way to be exposed to different thinking, approaches, and, most importantly, an opportunity to grow.
And that’s what makes marriage really work.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know how compassion shows up (or not) in your marriage.
