In one study, 39% of women and 91% of men said they usually or always experienced orgasm in partnered sex. In another survey women reached orgasm 63% of the time and men 85% of the time when they were with a familiar partner. Better, but still a big gap.
One of the reasons for this is the conflation of sex with intercourse. Fewer women can orgasm strictly from intercourse. Most need some form of clitoral stimulation. And this is often relegated to “foreplay” as opposed to part of the main act.
In addition, it can take women longer to get fully aroused and to a state where orgasm is possible. Thirty minutes of effective foreplay is often what’s necessary. And many couples wait until bedtime, when both are tired, and conditions are not ideal for her.
When I think of the orgasm gap, I’m reminded of a dinner I had the first time I met my husband’s family. We were at a seafood restaurant in rural North Carolina. Everything on the menu was fried. So, as a good California girl, I was pleased to discover that I could get my fish broiled.
They had a leisurely meal while I felt compelled to inhale mine and not keep everyone else waiting. I concluded that the filets were both pre-breaded and frozen. It took time to thaw them enough to scrape the breading off and then cook them. Kind of like the amount of time needed to “heat up” your wife.
And she, like me, probably doesn’t want to keep anyone waiting. Especially as it begins to cut into sleep time. So, she settles for a less than fulfilling experience. Her pleasure takes a back seat. Have this happen often enough and her desire for sex will diminish.
To be fair, you may really want her to enjoy it. But if she feels that she is “taking too long”, she might encourage you to go ahead. She doesn’t want to put you out. She also may try to force her desire and pleasure which will more than likely backfire and make it even harder for her to orgasm.
There’s an expression in neurobiology—nerves that fire together, wire together. The fact that she doesn’t orgasm every time impacts how she is able to respond the next time. Because her body and mind will no longer link sex with pleasure.
When this happens, you both lose out on the intimacy you both desire and deserve.
If you’re ready to improve your sex life, schedule your 5 Star Relationship Call with me today.
around the web this week:
Join Lesli in a great conversation with Hiram Roche in which they talked about the marriage journey. Through this conversation you’ll receive tools that will help your marriage be the greatest it can be.
To Be or Not to Be Vulnerable in Your Marriage
Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. So why, if it is so important, is it such a struggle for most of us to open up. Especially to those most important to us. Being open and truly honest puts you at risk for rejection. So you hide behind what is safe but also wonder what it would be like to be really seen and loved for who you are. The definition of unconditional love. What if there was a way to be vulnerable not based in fear? Certified sex therapist Dr. Elliot Kronenfeld explains this other type of vulnerability and how you can develop it.
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Good Guys, Great Husbands
