“Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters. ” Margaret Wheatley
I was taken back a bit when I read my colleague’s blog this week. Lisa Merlo-Booth wrote, “One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that they’re afraid to be honest with their spouse about conflict of any kind. They constantly walk on eggshells around their partner to avoid upsetting them. Some try convincing themselves that the best approach for a “happy” marriage is to go along to get along, while others say it’s exhausting and destroying their marriage.”
It surprised me because I could have written it about my male clients.
Just this week I talked to three of them about how their wives shut them down when they try to talk about their concerns about their relationships.
Mark was told that she was fine with the way things were so there was nothing to talk about.
Bill heard his request to be told she loved him was “controlling”.
When David tried to talk to his wife about having more date nights, he was told that wasn’t her priority and he would just have to accept it.
Each one of them wants to feel more connected with their wives and are at a complete loss about how to reach that goal.
They’ve tried “going along to get along”. Buying into the “happy wife, happy life” advice for a good marriage. But they don’t know how to break through so that things change.
Because they can’t make any headway on these simple conversations, they avoid the even more challenging ones over finances, parenting, or physical intimacy.
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The truth is most people, men and women, don’t know how to have the really tough conversations. So they either avoid them or they turn into repetitive arguments.
Like I said in a previous blog, the key to being heard is to listen. And when you’re tackling a tough topic, you have to be willing to hear some hard stuff.
That’s what makes it so difficult. And why one, or both, partners avoid them.
They dismiss their partner’s feelings. They minimize the impact of their own behavior. They refuse to even have the conversation.
And the marriage dies a slow, painful (and unnecessary) death.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
You can create a safe space to both share and listen. But you have to be willing to step up. You have to be willing to learn the process and follow it.
Because that’s the only way to have the marriage you both want.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you struggle with tough conversations, reach out and let’s talk.
