A 2020 Gallup Poll of 3000 heterosexual couples revealed that women continue to do more of the physical and emotional labor in families regardless of age, income, or workload. This is often referred to as mental load or the second shift. Yes, men are engaged in more childcare, but the cooking, laundry, and cleaning are still being done mostly by women. My question is WTF?
I get mental load. I had my own mental load moment several years ago.
I need to explain that my husband has always done his own laundry. He cooks and he cleans. But there was still a moment.
I do the grocery shopping and usually unpack and put away the food once I get home. But once, I left the 12-roll pack of toilet paper on the counter. After it sat there for a few days I asked, “I’m I the only one who can distribute the toilet paper?”
My husband looked confused and said, “I just assumed that whoever brought it into the house would put it away.”
I quickly responded, “So it’s not enough I noticed we needed it, put it on the list, picked it up at the store and brought it home. I also have to put it away?”
He said, “I never thought of it that way.”
I replied, “Maybe you should.”
In our almost 40 years together, this was one of the few times my husband has whiffed. And, yes, I know I’m fortunate. But this exchange was also informative.
He was acting on his assumptions. I was acting on mine. Result? Toilet paper on the counter.
And I think this is one of the reasons the “mental load” doesn’t get shared.
Another reason is that instead of dealing with this type of stuff upfront and early, one partner—usually the woman—takes it on and sets a precedent. And then doesn’t know how to stop. And the guys may or may not even be aware of the inequity. But it can, and often does, create resentment.
But things can’t be unequal if women wouldn’t take on more physical and emotional labor. And, if you do, you need to ask yourself why. How you answer will reveal the path to ending it.
No, you shouldn’t have to ask your partner to participate in all aspects of running the home and family. And, no, you shouldn’t let your partner carry more of the load either. Instead, you need to have an honest conversation with each other. And the sooner you do, the better your marriage will be.
If you’re ready to off load some of the labor, or get your partner to take on more, don’t wait to schedule a time to talk with me.
around the web this week:
Join Lesli and Dr. Travis Perry of the Balanced Advisor Podcast and they discuss Building Relationship Balance.
Is Burnout Impacting Your Marriage?
Burnout is more than just having a few difficult days. It’s a total drain on your emotional, physical, and mental health. So it’s no wonder that it impacts all of your relationships as well. When it seems like everything is out of control in your life it can be difficult to keep your marriage on track. The last couple of years have been stressful for many of us and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. So what can you do? Functional Medicine Specialist and Burnout Recovery Expert Elizabeth Collins sheds light on this timely topic.
Should there be an Equal Housework Day?
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Good Guys, Great Husbands
