Do you accept what’s common in your relationship or what’s normal? What’s the difference you say? Normal is defined as “conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern”. One definition for common is “widely existing, general, prevalent”. Something can be both normal and common, but your marriage doesn’t have to one of them.
Prescribed gender roles are normal, but they are becoming less common. And there are long-held ideas about marriage that are commonly accepted but don’t really meet the definition for normal.
There is no evidence that marriage, or any long-term romantic relationship, is inherently hard. Yet, it is common for many couples to struggle. And, because the idea that marriage takes work is so common, couples think this must be normal. It doesn’t have to be.
The same is true for the idea that marriage is the place sex goes to die. It’s common but not normal. Normal married couples have more and better sex than those who are single, but this is not widely known.
It’s also normal for interest in sex, and the active pursuit of it, to last a lifetime. But sex in marriage “commonly” wanes because the factors that will keep it thriving have not been fostered. If you want to have lots of great sex through the years, you can. But it won’t just happen. It takes paying attention to each other and acting with intention to keep your marriage thriving, not just surviving.
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Yes, your relationship will change over time. That is normal. But how it changes is completely up to you. You can continue to nurture it and have it grow into something that provides support, comfort, and connection. Or you can put it on the back burner and have it die the death of a thousand cuts. Unfortunately, this is what has become common.
If it is normal for couples to love and be in love with each other when they first get together. It can be, and often is, normal for that to be the case many years later. But not if common, though unproductive, ways of thinking and behaving are allowed to take root.
Again, it is normal to treat someone you love with kindness. It’s just not as common as it should be. Many people treat complete strangers better than they do the person they have promised to love, honor, and cherish. How you treat each other will determine how connected you are. Without connection, intimacy of any kind is difficult.
If you want an uncommon marriage, even if it’s normal (regular pattern), you can have it. But only if you actively create it.
If you want to learn the skills necessary for a strong, successful marriage, let’s talk.
around the web this week:
The Damage You Do When You Don’t Keep Your Promises
A good marriage is based on trust. That trust can be disrupted in so many ways, often unintentionally. Once trust is broken, it can be difficult to repair. While not impossible, it is always better not to damage it in the first place.
Clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Dr. Randi Gunther is here to talk about some of the most common ways that people break their promises to each other, and how you can recover if it has happened in your marriage.
Solving relationship problems leads to better sex–Who knew?
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