“Do or do not. There is no try.” Yoda
You’ve probably heard that all couples fight. Even the happy ones. And that the important aspect is how you fight. I call BS on that.
ALL couples DISAGREE. Whether that escalates into an argument or fight is completely up to you.
Many of my clients tell me they don’t want to fight but get drawn into one by their partner.
Quite frankly that’s a justification for unproductive behavior on your part.
You can be angry by yourself. You can be frustrated by yourself. But you can’t fight by yourself. If there is an argument or a fight going on with your spouse, you are a willing participant.
The good news is that you know how you get drawn into these exchanges. Which means you have the power to keep them from happening ever again.
I’ve been working with Mark over the last few months on this very issue. He told me this week that no matter how hard he tries to avoid reacting to his wife’s anger and sarcasm, at some point he reaches his limit and responds in kind.
Fight on. Damage done. Wife’s belief that he won’t ever change confirmed.
I’m not going to lie. Not reacting badly when you are triggered is hard. But if you want to have a healthy, calm marriage, you can learn to do it.
There are two major aspects you need to focus on:
- Managing your own emotional reaction
- Knowing what to say to de-escalate the situation
You and your wife know how to trigger each other. And when she hits your buttons, you become flooded with emotion and your primal brain takes over. Becoming keenly aware of what’s happening inside your body when this happens is the first step to taking control of it.
Slowly counting to ten or taking slow, deep breaths when you feel your internal temperature rise reconnects your cognitive brain and allows you to think before you speak.
When you do respond to her invitation to a fight, don’t address the content of what she’s saying.
“I understand that this is important and I’m willing to have a conversation about it. I am not going to fight about it.”
This lets her know she’s been heard but you aren’t going to fall into the old pattern.
If she continues to push, keep repeating the same response calmly and consistently. Remain fully present and lovingly connected to her.
When things calm down, schedule a time to address the issue. Be committed to reaching resolution but also be committed to doing it without anger, harsh words, or other unproductive behavior.
You may think this is impossible, but I actually watched my husband do it with me. If you want to know more about that, I’m happy to share. But believe me, it works.
You’ve got this. But, if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know what your challenges are.
AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK
Real Men Do Intimacy
(Not Just Sex)
Women want men to be open and intimate. To share their thoughts and feelings. To really connect. Unfortunately, the capacity for intimacy that men are born with has been socialized out of them. The good news? It can be relearned. Randell Turner, Child and Family Therapist and founder of Unbreakable Bond, explains why this is important and how to do it. Share the show with the men in your life on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
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