“Our addiction to always being right is a great block to the truth.” Stephen Levine
My father was an engineer to his core. Unfortunately, it contributed to one of his least admirable behaviors—correcting my mother.
She would be telling a story and say something like, “It was ½ inch.” My father would jump in with, “It was 5/8 of an inch.” Even if he was “right”, did it matter?
The impact on my mother and their marriage over the long term was not a good one.
My husband and I had our own version of this conversation, though more relevant to our lives.
I grew up and learned to drive in Los Angeles. My husband is from a relatively small Southern town.
I drive highways whenever I can. My husband prefers the backroads. This would lead to tension when I would suggest a faster, more direct way to wherever we were going.
Who was “right”? We both were. Either way would get us where we were going.
Tiring of the snapping, we found a solution. Whoever was driving got to choose the route and, if we needed to get there fast, I drove.
It’s worked for the most part for the last 25 years.
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Now, there are times when being “right” matters. If your flight is at 10:30 am, believing it’s at noon will be problematic. In that case, stand your ground about the correct time.
But most of the time, being “right” is more about your preferences, experiences, and perceptions. Not about actual facts.
This can show up in your marriage in many ways and, if you’re not careful, be the reason it ends.
I’ve followed a blogger for years after I came across his series Letters to a Shitty Husband. In one piece, he wrote about his marriage ending because he left glasses in the sink. It drove his wife crazy, and he didn’t see what the big deal was.
I commented to him that the glass in the sink wasn’t what did in his marriage. It was his disregard for her feelings about it. He responded back that he agreed and came to realize he did this a lot with his wife.
Most of what couples argue about are these differences in viewpoints. What matters to you might not be important to her. You might feel differently about a situation than she does. That is normal. Correcting each other is where the danger lives.
It’s what I believe is the biggest challenge in a marriage—making room for your different experiences and perspectives. Trying to impose your way as the “right” way is where the problem lies.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and let me know what gets in your way of letting go of being “right”.
