“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” ― C.G. Jung
A colleague of my husband’s said to him one day, “You are the master of your intent. The other person is the master of your impact.” He was talking about business, but I believe it applies equally to marriage.
Many of my clients become defensive when their wives tell them they’ve been hurt by something the husband has done. Almost to a man, my clients try to explain they meant no harm. Sound familiar?
Rarely do their wives slap their heads and say, “Of course honey, you didn’t mean to be hurtful. How silly of me to be upset.”
I’ve been helping people with their relationships for twenty years. And I’ve never seen anyone successfully talk someone else out of their feelings. But it doesn’t stop them from trying.
The more frequently it happens, the more damage is being done.
I have found that most men are good guys who love their wives and want their marriages to be successful. So it’s very hard for them to acknowledge that they may be the source of hurt, disappointment and frustration.
It’s important to note that husbands are not the only source of challenges. Both partners bear responsibility for the state of their relationship. And that’s part of the problem.
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When you are married, you each have a built-in scapegoat. It’s easier to focus on what your partner is doing than to look in the mirror. And your wife, in turn, focuses on your failings.
It is hard to acknowledge where you may have fallen short. Even if it’s been unintentional. Especially if it’s been unintentional.
But being able to take accountability for the impact of your actions will have a positive impact on your marriage.
It can be hard to hear that the person you love has issues with you. Being able to hear them with an open mind and heart takes courage. She may not be “right” but she also isn’t “wrong”. It is her experience. Her perception.
Acknowledging her feelings is the first step.
The next is to take a hard look at what might be accurate in her assessment. If you find something, identify a way to address it that supports you, her, and, most importantly, your marriage.
When you are able to take accountability for your behavior, it invites trust and respect. It also invites her to take accountability for hers. And that’s how your marriage thrives.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out and share where you struggle being accountable.
