“The great marriages are partnerships. It can’t be a great marriage without being a partnership.” Helen Mirren
You may think that love is the most important ingredient needed for a good marriage but, the Beatle’s notwithstanding, it’s not. Love is necessary but not sufficient. What you need is to become good teammates.
In my view, marriage is the ultimate team sport. In order to make it work, you have to learn to work together as a team in every aspect of your relationship. This means your finances, the running of your household, parenting, intimacy, all of it.
So I get concerned when I talk to clients like Sam. His wife has no interest in financial matters beyond daily household management. He handles the investments and plans for the future. But she got upset when she learned that he bought a rental beach condo and didn’t put her on the deed.
This lack of communication and working as a team is undermining her trust in him. He feels unfairly attacked and disrespected. None of this would happen if they were a committed team.
But creating this team can be challenging. That’s because you’re not only teammates. As a married couple, you are co-captains. This means figuring out how to work together. Which means negotiating and making room for each other.
And this is where the difficulties begin.
You each have different ideas, experiences and perspectives. And many couples choose to divide and conquer—setting up different spheres of responsibility. Kind of like having an offense and defense.
The problem comes when you don’t have a unified game plan. One half of the team not knowing what the other half is doing.
If this goes on too long, it can create distance between the two of you. Like Sam, you start making decisions that impact both of you on your own. You don’t even bother to share the information with each other.
When one of you finds out that the other has made a decision you aren’t on board with, it can feel as if you’ve been lied to. And in a way, you have. It’s a lie of omission.
And lies of any kind erode trust. And lack of trust damages your love and destroys your intimacy.
Knowing how to work together, even if one of you takes the lead in specific areas, is the way to keep your marriage healthy and happy.
Creating a game plan you both agree to and implement is what helps you win your game of love.
If you feel like you and your wife are playing different games, I can get you on the same team. So don’t wait until you’re facing elimination. Get in touch today.
AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK
Lessons on Love—What Have You Learned?
Did you have formal training in relationships? If not, you’re not alone. What you learned about love and relationships you picked up as you went along. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You watched what your parents did and regarded it as normal. And they learned from their parents, and so on. And you’re teaching those same lessons to your kids. Some of this information may be helpful and some not so much. Speaker, author, and founder and director of Better Dad Ministries Rick Johnson identifies four lessons you need to know, and pass on, about love.
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Good Guys, Great Husbands
