“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” Oscar Wilde
A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece entitled “But First, Listen”. The email subject line? “But she’s wrong….”
In response a good friend sent me a link to an episode of Roseanne when her son-in-law David was talking about how his wife Darlene was wrong about something. Husband Dan kept whispering to him, “it doesn’t matter”.
No matter how David tried to explain it, the response was the same.
It took me back to a conversation my husband had with his co-workers twenty years ago.
A recently married husband was talking about an argument he and his wife had over the preceding weekend. He stated that he knew his wife was wrong. All the men present, in unison, said, “It doesn’t matter.”
Not being able to admit when you are mistaken about something, no matter if you are the husband or the wife, is problematic.
No one is right about everything. To pretend otherwise is not only unrealistic, it’s disrespectful.
Now there are times when neither of you is “wrong”. This is when you have different feelings about something. Like when one of you is cold when it’s 68 and the other isn’t. Or one of you thinks that the new restaurant or movie is great and the other doesn’t.
These are just opinions. And they’re like belly buttons—everybody has one.
Moving Through Inertia in Your Marriage
"Silence is the language of inertia. "Margaret Hefferman Inertia is defined as “a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged”. I’ve been thinking about it this week as I’ve been changing my business phone carrier. I’ve been with the same company for at least...
Being Right vs. Happily Married
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." English Nursery Rhyme First, I need to point out that no one—not you, your wife, me, no one—is ever right all the time. So, if you are a “right fighter” you will struggle in your marriage. And if...
Your Marriage: Paying Now or Later
"Motion creates clarity. Waiting creates anxiety." Olly J Several years ago my client Todd said, “My marriage is important but…..” My mind immediately went to “now he’s going to tell me why it’s not.” Because that’s what the but means. I get the same feeling when I...
There are times when one of you may be factually wrong and it truly doesn’t matter. Whether the conversation happened on Monday morning or Thursday afternoon. Whether, as part of a story, you say something is ½” instead of 5/8”. Unless you need an exact measurement, it’s not that important.
But if you’re catching a plane in New York and you’re leaving from JFK, you are wrong if you end up at La Guardia. And that makes a difference.
When one of you is wrong and it does matter is when you end up minimizing or invalidating your partner’s position.
This occurs all the time. And it’s destructive.
It’s what happens when men are told that “it doesn’t matter” when their wives are wrong about something.
In truth, it’s actually disrespectful to both partners. To him for taking the position that she is wrong when she is. To her for being too fragile to handle honest critique.
This pattern imbalances the relationship. If she is always “right”, by definition, that makes him always “wrong”.
Needing to be right all the time is unsustainable and antagonistic to a loving, equal relationship no matter who is doing it.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out and let me know if this shows up in your marriage.
