Hotter, more enjoyable sex—who doesn’t want that? It can be a constant quest for a new position, technique, or toy. Maybe you’re even considering BDSM, polyamory, or “swinging” to bring new life to your intimate encounters. The truth is, there is very little “new” under the sun when it comes to sex.
I remember an episode of the 1980’s television show L.A. Law that the actors still get asked about. It centered on a non-descript guy who has tremendous success with women because he has mastered the Venus Butterfly technique. According to the writer, she made it up. Now, if you “google” the term, you will find detailed descriptions of this approach.
Did it exist before? Who knows or cares? It exists now. Though I don’t know how many people have actual experience with it.
I also remember visiting the ruins of Pompeii a few years back. One of the buildings was a brothel with explicit drawings of what services were available. The artwork was well preserved, completely understandable, and thoroughly in-line with anything you would find today.
article continues below
So, focusing on techniques or toys may bring novelty to your sex life. That’s not a bad thing if both of you are truly on board with it. Same for BDSM or polyamory. But be prepared for it not to be the magic solution for the long-term. It all can end up being the same old, same old over time.
I do think that striving to be a better lover is great. But if you’re only focused on physical pleasure—yours or your partner’s—you may be missing something. Because technique without connection can eventually feel empty. And what you really want is to be the source of your partner’s pleasure emotionally and mentally as well as physically.
And in order to do this, you have to get real. About who you are. About who your partner is. About what’s happening in your relationship outside of the bedroom (or wherever).
This means talking at a deep and very personal level. It means opening up about your pasts. Your experiences, your embarrassments, your likes, your dislikes, your fantasies, your desires. ALL. OF. IT.
And I get it. It’s much easier to suggest trying a new position or using a new toy than it is to understand what you’re really looking for.
It’s always easier to focus on the external than what’s going on inside of each of you.
But a new technique isn’t going to repair holes in the relationship. That’s like redecorating your house to make it look pretty instead of dealing with the sinking foundation.
Getting to the heart of what’s in the way, for you and your partner, is the only approach that will truly make sex hot, desirable, and as frequent as you want it to be.
If you’re ready to stop searching for a magic what and start focusing on your how and why, let’s talk.
around the web this week:
How to Build Your Confidence: 8 Simple Practices to Try
Feeling a bit unsteady? Time to shake up the routine and inject a little positivity and accomplishment into your life.
How To Get And Keep The Spark in Your Marriage
Do you love your partner but aren’t sure you’re in love with them anymore? Do you wonder where the magic has gone? Do you worry it won’t ever come back? Are you settling for being roommates when you want so much more? If so, then Jeff Forte, executive and PEAK Performance Coach and author of The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, has the answers. He not only reveals the 8 elements of intimacy but what you need to do bring it back into your relationship.
