“You musn’t force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex.” Mary Mccarthy
Your wife, if she is like most women, is very sensitive to context when it comes to being receptive to your invitations to get physical with you.
In the book Come as You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski, says context is determined by two things. First, the circumstances of the present moment—what’s happening externally. And second, your brain state in the present moment—what’s happening internally.
And, according to research, your wife is likely more sensitive to context than you are. Her openness to your invitation for intimacy is highly connected to her mood and how she feels about your relationship at that moment.
And if she is stressed, both of these components will be negatively impacted. That’s because when she is in a stressed state, her brain interprets everything as a potential threat. That’s just how stress works.
Stress is at the root of worry, anxiety, and fear. It also underlies anger, irritation, frustration and annoyance. If your wife is feeling any of those things, your invitation to “get busy” will fail every time.
The solution isn’t to tell her to relax and stop worrying about whatever is weighing on her. To just stop feeling whatever it is she’s feeling. If it were that simple, none of us would be stressed.
The solution is for both of you to do everything you can to reduce her stress.
There are all kinds of things in today’s world that create stress. And stress creates information overload.
At its core, stress is about survival and your brain’s interpretation of what’s a real threat. So it will prioritize those things necessary to keep you alive. While sex has a lot of benefits, it is not essential to her personal survival. Or yours either.
So if you want to successfully guide her into the bedroom, you first need to put on your detective hat. What is making her stressed? Tune in to not only what she says but also what she does.
How she spends her time and energy reveals what is important to her. If it’s packing lunches, updating the calendar, working on a big project at work, talking about school shootings, it’s all right there.
Notice. See what she does and how she does it. Listen. Not just to the words she’s saying but also to the message underneath those words.
Set aside specific time to ask questions to gather more information about what’s going on in her head. Do this while sharing a cup of coffee or wine. Or while you’re rubbing her feet or her back.
Your job isn’t to fix anything or give suggestions on how to make it less important to her. It’s to learn where and how she is overwhelmed.
Do NOT ask her what you can do to help. That just adds more stress. (And quite possibly frustration and resentment which will make your goal of greater connection more unattainable.)
Step up and take what you can off her plate—preferably as close to the way she does it as possible. Once you have taken ownership of the task, you can gradually do it more your own way. But not before.
Encourage her to engage in greater self-care. Do it with a joyful heart and willing spirit.
Show her that you’ve got this. That she can safely let it go into your strong, capable hands.
It isn’t a man vacuuming that is seen as sexy. It’s that you noticed it needed to be done and jumped on it. It lets her know that you care enough to make what matters to her a priority for you.
This will make her feel seen, valued, and loved. And that’s what’s going to move the bar, and her, into the bedroom.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Stay tuned for more information about an upcoming event to address this very issue. If you have a burning question today let me know here.
AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK
What’s the Deal About Sex Anyway?
With all that’s happening in the world right now, are you making time for intimacy? This may seem like a trick question but the amount of sex people are having has been diminishing in recent years. Some of this has to do with more people living alone, but high levels of stress and worry may be making it worse. Sheltering in place, working from home, making sure your children don’t fall behind in school, not being able to go out and socialize, you name it, your energy and attention are being tested like never before. But humans crave connection and touch—they are stress reducers. Intimacy coach and author of Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure Xanet Pailet invites you to get your groove back.
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