“Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.” David Sarnoff
Many years ago, my client Brian came into my office and flung himself on my couch. Before I could open my mouth, he said, “If I do what my wife wants, she wins.” In that moment, he set himself up in competition with his wife.
This direct competition isn’t good but there is another kind that is also damaging.
I am the third of three girls born within slightly less than three years of each other. I was constantly called by my sisters’ names, even by my mother. I remember when I was in 8th grade trying to figure out how to be my own person.
My sisters were good students and never in any trouble. For a brief moment, I thought about going the other way and becoming a rebellious teenager. But I knew that wouldn’t be in my long-term best interest. So, the only other option was to try to outdo them. Competition became my reason for being.
When my husband and I got together, we had our own interests. I did ballet and my husband practiced Tae Kwon Do. He, like all males related to dancers, got dragged into a few performances. But mostly, we stayed out of each other’s personal activities.
It’s stayed that way for most of our marriage because I don’t want to compete with him. We both do Sudoku, but I don’t take it as seriously as he does. It’s also why I don’t do Wordle. I tend to be better at word puzzles and I don’t want to have a daily competition with him, even though he will ask for my help when he gets stumped.
For the most part, we keep things pretty calm. But that’s because I recognize that my competitiveness still lurks below the surface.
But what if your wife is better than you at some things? How do you handle it?
A CrossFit friend of mine had an unpleasant interaction with her husband when they were working out together one day on vacation. She was doing the weightlifting portion of the workout and he wanted to try it. She tried to advise him on how to do the lift and to start with a lighter weight.
He didn’t take her suggestions very well. He wasn’t going to let her lift heavier than him even though she had been doing it several times a week for over ten years. He dismissed her suggestions and ended up tweaking his back. His competitive streak got the better of him.
Competition can show up in many ways. If your wife makes more money. If she’s a better athlete. A better writer. A better anything. How do you handle it?
Will you accept her suggestions or push back against them? Do you see her as an inspiration for you to improve or become frustrated because she doesn’t seem to struggle in the same way?
You can try to never do the same things but that diminishes your connection. You can try things that are new to both of you. But then one of you will undoubtedly be better at it than the other. Then what?
Not competing with your wife but being a complement to her is the answer.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve been there and I’ve got you. If you’d like to talk, simply reach out and I’ll be in touch.
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