Money may not be the “root of all evil” but it can seriously mess up a marriage. It is one of the top two areas of serious conflict in relationships. In fact, a study published in the journal Family Relationships found that “financial disagreements are stronger predictors of divorce relative to other common marital disagreements.” And I’ve seen it countless times during my twenty plus year practice.
What I’ve learned is that money is very personal. It is not just dollars and cents but what those mean to each of you. I’ve also learned that your relationship with money reveals a lot about your character.
I was reminded of all this by a recent piece in Upworthy that showed up in my email inbox last week. It was a story about a couple who had been together for two years and an overseas vacation they took with his family.
Despite a serious difference in how much each partner earned, they had been splitting everything 50/50 since they started dating. His family had money and the planned vacation reflected that. She took a second job to earn her “share” and scrimped on meals and activities once there due to insufficient funds.
He and his family noticed she didn’t eat and “opted out” of experiences but none offered to treat her or even make the connection that she was struggling.
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Yes, she could have spoken up. Yes, she could have chosen not to go. But they had been together for two years! This was, by all indicators, a relationship of some standing.
But how he and his family perceived the situation spoke volumes about their lack of kindness and generosity. It also reflected their love of money, and the opportunities it grants them, more than their love for a human being—his girlfriend.
So, what does how you deal with money in your marriage say about you? Your wife?
How do you define contributing? Deserving? Fair? How does she?
Is it with a focus on your partner, your marriage, and the life you want to create together? Or is it about what’s yours vs. what’s your partner’s? Is it 50/50 or 100/100?
Your answers reveal your beliefs both about money and about your marriage. They also will reveal your fears. And that fear will override your love unless you know how to flip it.
And the first step is to identify the fears that are driving your behavior—with curiosity, not judgment. Because you cannot change what you don’t understand.
And relieving tension and resentment around your finances is necessary if you’re going to have a great marriage. And isn’t that what you want?
If you’re ready to take action on improving your marriage, let’s talk.
around the web this week:
Bad things can happen – and you can overcome them
Think of your worst day ever. Maybe you lost a loved one. Or a job. Or had a really big fight with your spouse. You didn’t know how you would move on. More than likely, you kept moving forward. It wasn’t easy, but you did it. Maybe the effects are still lingering. If so, you’re not alone. But you can make them less debilitating. Moving through hardship is what Aimmee Kodachian, author of Tears of Hope, has spent a lot her life doing. She reveals what kept her going past just surviving and into thriving and how you can too.
Is Money an Issue in Your Marriage?
Money is one of the top two things couples fight about. Here are a few reasons why and how to stop.
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