Don’t Say Your Marriage is “Fine” If It’s Not

“The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 5 years is to be in one for 5 years and one day.” Dr. Phil

Fine means “well or healthy”. It also means “superior in kind, quality, or appearance: excellent”

So is your marriage really “fine”?

Since the divorce rate hovers at around 47% and many marriages just limp along, I have to believe a lot of them ARE. NOT. FINE.

And even if you think yours meets the above definitions, does your partner?

I get that you might want the outside world to think your marriage is really humming along. (Though I think it would be much better if we all could acknowledge that it might not be.)

But inside your marriage, you need to be honest.

If one of you thinks something is off, it is.

So why do we hold so hard to “FINE”?

Because you’re truly okay with the aspect of your marriage your wife is struggling with. You don’t have a problem with that area so there isn’t one. (Ahem, WRONG!)

Because you agree things could be improved but you don’t know how to get there. (Better.)

Because you’re afraid that if you acknowledge what isn’t working, you could make things worse. (Bingo.)

It’s probably some combination of all three.

Think about it. Is there really no area of your marriage that you wish was better? Amount of sex? How money is handled? Running the household? Work/home balance? Nothing?

I call BS!!!

You and your wife may have agreed that a particular aspect of your marriage could be better but it’s “good enough” for now. Be willing to revisit this decision regularly to be sure it still holds.

If you haven’t reached a clear and acceptable resolution that you both can embrace and implement, letting things slide can be harmful.

Dismissing the other person’s concerns on any matter may seem like a great idea at the moment. But long term, it’s dangerous.

Take a “listen to understand” approach to each other’s concerns. Don’t look for a solution until you’re both clear what the source of distress is. And it’s important to remember that understanding doesn’t mean agreement. You can still have different feelings about the same thing.

Once there is understanding, then you can look for solutions. If your partner is the one with the concern, they also may have some suggestions for what would make it better. Don’t dismiss them out of hand. See if you can find points of agreement as a place to start looking for a solution.

Finally, fear won’t stop bad things from happening. It will only get in the way of taking positive steps to address your challenges. It might be scary to really open up in the beginning.

But moving through the fear and taking the other steps will be worth it if it actually gets your marriage to really be fine.

You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know what isn’t “fine” in your marriage.

AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK

How to Talk So Your Partner Will Listen

Good communication alone will not ensure a Happily Ever After marriage but, without it, you don’t stand a chance. One of the biggest challenges couples face is learning how to communicate effectively. As with most things, it’s easier to look at where the other person is falling short than to look in the mirror and figure out our part. You’ve been talking since you were little and, on the surface, it seems a pretty easy system. You talk, the other person listens and vice versa. So why do so many couples struggle? Kirk Honda, professor of couples and family therapy at Antioch University and the host of Psychology in Seattle, explains the common pitfalls of communication.