“Love is friendship that has caught fire. Ann Landers
Is being in love with your wife more important than loving her? Do you need one or both for your marriage to thrive? Or is it something else necessary for this to happen?
I’ve been thinking about this since I went on vacation with my husband a couple of weeks ago.
We had the opportunity to travel with my oldest sister in Europe. It came up suddenly, but my husband was all in.
We ate great food, went to museums—art, printing, chocolate and Dunkirk, took a canal boat tour, toured a medieval castle, and walked, walked, walked.
The entire time, we enjoyed each other’s company. This is something we’ve done our entire 39 years together.
We like being together. Do you and your wife?
In addition to being spouses and parents, we are friends. There is mutual respect, interest, and support.
I’ve been doing some research about what is working in marriages and what isn’t. (If you’re interested in weighing in you can set up a time here.)
On one of our flights home, an older gentleman was seated in between my husband and me. After he had a conversation with my husband about his work, he turned to me and asked about mine.
When I shared that I was a marriage counselor/coach, he shared that he had been married for over 50 years. I told him I was doing research and he offered that he and his wife were good friends. They, too, enjoy each other’s company.
He said that he couldn’t imagine not being an integral part of her life.
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It isn’t that they don’t have other friends or that they spend all their time together. It’s just that being with each other is both important and satisfying.
I believe that this aspect of a relationship is essential for its success.
It’s definitely more important than being “in love”. Even though that’s what many people focus on. But the “in love” stage of a relationship is not meant to last. It’s designed to connect couples so intensely that the species will survive.
Its intensity can’t continue indefinitely. Building your marriage on these temporary feelings is setting yourself up for failure.
Developing a real friendship is a much better foundation for a thriving marriage.
If you and your wife don’t have this as part of your relationship, what would help you create it?
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Let me know what would make you and your wife be better friends.
