“We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection.”
Mac Miller
Two separate emails collided for me this week around the topic of physical intimacy. I’m taking it as the universe wanting me to address this important marital topic. Because it may be the one thing you really want for Christmas.
First, I received an email from a man hurt and frustrated by his wife’s rejection of his invitations to have sex.
The second was the weekly post from The Generous Husband regarding buying lingerie for your wife as a Christmas present.
I picked up my mother’s viewpoint about not buying women gifts that have an electrical cord unless they have specifically asked for that item. I hold a similar perspective about lingerie as a gift.
This came from a conversation with a good friend about lingerie. He said, “Lesli, it’s not about you.” In my mind I was thinking, “It sure as hell is about me.”
Let me be clear. I like lingerie. I just don’t like someone else deciding what it should be and when I should wear it.
Per The Generous Husband’s post, many women see a “gift” of lingerie as objectifying them.
NOT a perspective you want your wife to have if intimacy is an issue in your marriage.
Which brings me to the other email.
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My personal and professional opinion is that neither partner should opt out of a major aspect of marriage. And intimacy is a major aspect.
So I get the hurt and frustration I hear from many men about being rejected by their wives. It is truly painful.
So painful that many find it difficult to talk about in a productive way.
The answer isn’t to just “live with it”, turn to porn, or, worse, have an affair.
All of those options will only make matters worse.
The only thing that will work is having real conversations about it, no matter how scary or difficult. Because if lack of physical intimacy is a challenge, it is the only way to resolve the issue.
Not as a threat or an ultimatum, but as a boundary.
Subtle hints like lingerie, or even unsubtle arguments about it, will only aggravate things. Getting to the heart of the issue, no matter how uncomfortable, is the only path to success.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and let me know if this is a challenge you could use some help with.
