My question to you is “Can you handle your wife’s truth about your intimate life?”
I was thinking about this the other day while watching television. One of the characters said to another that they couldn’t handle the truth. This immediately threw me back to the scene in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson says the same thing to Tom Cruise.
Like many other things about marriage, this is not a “one and done” conversation. It’s one you should be having fairly regularly. And definitely any time there is a major change in your relationship, such as the birth of a child.
And I get how hard this conversation can be. I’ve had them myself in my marriage.
I actually rate one of these conversations as the most difficult one I ever had with my husband. He had been hinting around about his dissatisfaction with that aspect of our relationship and finally got up the nerve to sit me down and start.
This conversation violated one of my major rules—never start a serious conversation after 8:00 at night. Our conversation began at 11 pm and continued until 1 am. I also knew I couldn’t get him to agree to postpone it.
I’m not going to lie; it was one of the most difficult nights of my life. It took just about every skill I had to maintain my composure and let my husband share what he needed to share, in the way he needed to share it.
I didn’t see the issue the same way he did. But his view was his view. (As your wife’s is hers.) Arguing with his perspective would not only have been counterproductive, but also disrespectful.
So I stayed quiet and listened; trying very hard to take in what I could. All the while terrified that my marriage was over.
I remained frozen in my chair for another two hours after the conversation ended. I finally went to bed but was only able to sleep for about two more hours. As I said—the hardest conversation, and night, of my marriage.
But it was a necessary conversation to have. And your marriage needs those kinds of conversations as well.
Because you can’t resolve issues, including challenges in your sex life, if you’re not willing to get real about them. And that means being open to hearing things that you might find hurtful or that you don’t experience the same way.
So instead of focusing on ways to spice things up, be willing to go deep. Be willing to be honest. Be willing to be vulnerable. Because that’s the way to real intimacy and connection. But only if you decide to handle the truth.
What is your biggest challenge to talking about sex and intimacy with your wife? Send me your questions and I’ll respond to you personally.
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The Art of Saying What You Really Mean
Your spouse has just asked you to do something. You don’t really want to do it. You also don’t want to disappoint them or get into a fight about it. Do you suck it up, do it anyway and then get resentful? Do you honor your feelings, tell them “no” and deal with the fall-out? Is there any way to finesse this difference in priorities and expectations between the two of you without creating major problems? Is it possible to have a calm, productive conversation about these differences? Clinical Social Worker Dr. Assaiel Romanelli and Certified Coach Galit Romanelli reveal a unique and effective way to handle these common questions.
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