“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsberger
Have you ever been having a conversation with your wife, and she says something that you think she has completely wrong?
Maybe it’s about how she does most of the work around the house or does most of the childcare. Maybe it’s about how she is responsible for keeping track of birthdays, holiday plans, and getting the kids ready for vacation.
You know she isn’t the only one doing these things and you start to point that out.
Were you successful or did she cut you off? And if the latter, did you keep trying?
You may indeed be factually correct but, at that moment, it doesn’t matter.
Why? Because she didn’t feel heard.
And this will impact every aspect of your relationship.
Your position is valid. But until she feels heard, she won’t hear you.
Is this fair? NO. But that’s the way it works.
It is really hard to hear someone else if you don’t feel heard yourself.
And the more often she doesn’t feel heard, the harder it will be to ever resolve things.
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Too often, we only listen to another person long enough to decide how we are going to respond to them. We are so focused on our own position that we don’t really hear what they are trying to say.
Listening to respond or to correct is not the way to go. Instead, you need to listen to understand. Because that’s the key to having her feel heard.
And if she feels heard, it opens the door for a real conversation.
Let me be clear, understanding her position does not mean you agree with it. It does show that you respect and value her. It’s an act of love.
Yes, you deserve the same. But someone has to go first. And heroes go first. They do what needs to be done even if it isn’t easy or fair. They do it because it’s the right thing to do.
And, in this case, it’s also what works.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out if you want to master listening to understand.
