So, picture this. You and your wife are having a discussion and things are starting to get hot. You remember the marriage advice that if you’re going to fight, do it naked. So you stand up and start taking off your clothes. All the people around you in Starbucks start staring.
Okay, I’m kidding. But not really. This is the problem with a lot of advice that is out there. It isn’t practical. If you can’t use it all the time, it isn’t really a solution.
Most fights aren’t planned. So a tactic that requires you to have privacy to continue is really not very helpful.
A better option is to learn how to communicate in a way that will all but eliminate arguments and fights.
Because disagreement in any relationship is a given. But escalating that disagreement is a choice. And it’s one you don’t have to make.
And be honest, you know the conversations in your marriage that escalate into arguments. You can tell me the pattern you and your partner repeat over and over again. Which means you have the power to change it.
The entire point of fighting naked or fighting fair is to bring your cognitive brain to the situation. If you have to stop to take your clothes off, you are taking a pause from the emotional escalation. You may still be hot, but your focus has shifted to taking an action—getting naked.
This allows you to interrupt your emotions long enough to take control of them. And there are other things you can do to accomplish this same goal that don’t require privacy to do.
Taking a few deep breaths, counting to ten, excusing yourself temporarily in some way from the situation all work. Even just repeating back what you heard your partner say is enough for you to grab your intensifying emotional reaction and defensiveness.
Arguing and fighting is never about your partner. Yes, you disagree with her. Yes, she may be saying things that are hurtful or you believe are untrue. But she cannot make you argue or fight. Only you can do that.
And anything that happens after you choose to fight is on you. You choose the behavior, you own the consequences.
Yes, learning a new way to discuss and resolve differences will be uncomfortable at first. But it is much easier to deal productively with the issue at hand without first having to repair damage done by an earlier fight about it.
So save getting naked for more positive times.
If you’re ready to learn a sure-fire way to resolve differences without fights or arguments, then I can help. Schedule a call with me and learn how simple it can be to bring peace, harmony, and real solutions to your marriage.
around the web this week:
The Double-edged Sword of Silence in Your Marriage
Does silence make you uncomfortable? If it does, you’re not alone. Especially if that silence is coming from your spouse. Are they mad? Unhappy about something? Are they thinking about leaving?
These types of thoughts (and others) can crop up when your partner is silent. And if you don’t have a way to clarify what’s happening, you’re going to act as if this is the truth. Silence isn’t always a problem but how can you know? Psychotherapist and author Mel Schwartz offers some advice of how to deal with silence in your marriage.
Bad Marriage Advice #5: Fight Naked
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