There is so much wrong with this marriage advice, I don’t even know where to start. Frankly, the only reason you should have a baby is because you want one. A baby is a person, not duct tape.
A baby is also completely helpless. Dependent on the adults to make sure it is safe, secure and cared for.
Having a child is not something to be taken lightly. It is at minimum an eighteen-year responsibility. (As the mother of two twenty-something adults, I can tell you the love and caring doesn’t stop at the age of majority.)
In addition, research shows that marital satisfaction takes a hit during the child-rearing years. That’s because they require a lot of time and attention. Not to mention in our child centric society, focus on children instead of marriages is encouraged.
So, if you are struggling in your marriage, adding a 24/7 multi-year obligation is not going to make things better. It usually makes them worse.
And now, you and your spouse are tied together as co-parents. For as long as that child exists.
I don’t believe that anyone, no matter how well meaning and no matter the reason, should encourage anybody else to have a baby. It is a personal choice that should only be made by the future parents. Because they are the ones who will be responsible for it.
I also don’t think a couple should get married because of a pregnancy either. If you were already planning on marriage and get pregnant, it can still make simultaneously adjusting to marriage and parenthood difficult.
My clients Sam and Amanda had been dating for about a month when she became pregnant. They did the “right” thing and got married, even though they didn’t really know each other. They had just graduated from college and had their first “real” jobs.
The stress of all these things coming together made finding their feet in any one of the areas very challenging. They focused on their jobs and their baby daughter and simply hoped that things would get better.
Sam and Amanda split when their daughter was two. They had never established a strong foundation for their relationship because they never had the time. Too much was going on.
And that is also what is happening when you have a baby to “help” your marriage. If your marriage is troubled, your foundation is not strong enough for the responsibility a child brings. Whatever problems you have will either not get addressed or will get worse.
You can still turn things around. And having a child may make that more of a priority. But it’s much easier if you right your ship before bringing on extra crew.
You, your spouse, and your children deserve that.
If you want a better marriage, schedule your 5 Star Relationship Call with me today.
around the web this week:
Join Lesli and Joshua Sigafus of Alpha Mentality as they talk about marriage without intimacy. Lesli shares some earth shattering statistics about the differences in men’s and women’s desires and how to work around them.
Love Me, Love Me Not
Are you afraid your partner will leave you? Maybe fear they don’t love you enough? When your spouse wants you to talk about things do you clam up and want to run away? Or can you just relax into your marriage and know that everything will be okay? How you answer these questions reveals how you function in close relationships. It’s a pattern established early in your life that is having an impact in the here and now. Relationship Coach Carolyn Sharp helps you understand more about your relationship patterns, and how to make them more productive, so you can have a great marriage.
Bad Marriage Advice #24: Marriage Problems? Have a baby
There is so much wrong with this advice I’m not even sure where to begin. Having children stresses a marriage. Research shows marital satisfaction takes a hit during the childrearing years. While it can be a great experience, parenting is not for sissies and it sure won’t make marriage easier.
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