If your spouse truly loved you, you wouldn’t need anyone else in your life to fulfill any of your needs. Sounds good, doesn’t it? The two of you wrapped in a bubble of complete bliss and contentment, needing no one or nothing outside of it?
Blech!!!! Who comes up with this ridiculous nonsense?
It reminds me of the line from the movie Jerry Maguire—“You complete me”.
No, you need to be a relatively complete human being to be in a healthy relationship.
Looking to your partner to fill your holes is an exercise in frustration. For both of you.
Yes, you have emotional needs. So does your spouse. And your emotional needs and their emotional needs are part of your needs as a couple. But neither of you can meet all of each other’s needs. Nor should you.
It is perfectly okay to have some of your needs met by friends, other family members, or just on your own.
Putting it all on your spouse’s shoulders is too much of a load for them. And, if that’s what you expect, your marriage will suffer.
I’ve danced in some way, shape or form most of my life. First, ballet. Now, ballroom. There is always some confusion about who does what when it comes to partnering. It is never solely one person’s (usually the man’s) responsibility.
Each person needs to be doing something to make the step work. It’s usually a push or a pull energy with each partner in charge of their own body. Even when he is holding her over his head, she is holding herself not just being dead weight.
Needs are like that too. You are in charge of getting your own needs met, whether with your spouse or in some other way. And they are equally responsible for getting theirs met.
Putting all of the responsibility for your needs on your partner is like the male dancer holding dead weight aloft. It becomes heavy and not very attractive. And, he won’t want to dance with you.
Doing things with other people that fill you up allows you to continue to grow as a person. Bringing that back to your marriage helps breathe life into it. You remain interesting to each other, not stale and predictable.
Of course, there are some needs you do only want your partner to meet. These usually involve physical intimacy. And there are other needs you want your partner to meet some of the time but also can be met by other people as well. Think conversation and recreational activities.
There may even be some needs you don’t want your partner involved with at all. Either because they have no interest in it or can’t meet them in a satisfactory way.
The key is to get clear on what needs are met how and then get your spouse on board. That way you each continue to be functional, happy individuals who make a great couple.
If you struggle to get your needs met, or to meet your spouse’s needs, schedule your 5 Star Relationship Call with me today.
around the web this week:
Are Past Hurts Harming Your Marriage?
William Faulkner famously said, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” And your past, if you haven’t dealt with it, may be polluting your marriage in the present. The baggage you and your partner carry around is taking up space and keeping you from having the relationship you both want. But you can change that. Life coach, author, and podcaster Philippa Robinson reveals how you can heal from past difficulties and create a better life and healthier, happier relationships.
Bad Marriage Advice #23: Your Partner Should Meet All Your Needs
