“I want my wife to be happy.”
Almost to a man when I ask my clients what they want, I hear, “I want my wife to be happy.” And they truly do. It’s great to do things that will increase her positive feelings. But making her happiness the standard by which your marriage is judged is problematic.
A good marriage is one that takes both of you into account. Only focusing on her—what she wants, needs, desires–makes things lopsided.
I’m all about saying “yes” to her as often as you can. It builds up the balance in her love bank. But it is equally important that she does the same for you. Anyone with a low or negative balance in their love bank is going to feel unloved and unimportant. Not great feelings for a healthy relationship.
The readily accepted “happy wife, happy life” and it’s cousin “if Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy” flips the idea of a relationship being about two people on its head.
I’m not going to lie. There’s a certain gratification in everything being about you. But it can lead to a sense of entitlement and a one-sidedness that is not about being in relationship.
If it’s believed that only her happiness matters, where does that leave you?
I’m reminded of my client Sam (not his real name) whose marriage became sexless within the first year. I’m not talking about sex occasionally.
I’m talking about no sex.
Ever!
No affection either. For over 20 years!
And Sam’s wife refused to talk about it. Any time Sam would broach the subject, she would become uncomfortable. It was hard and it didn’t make her happy. So there would be no discussion and nothing would change.
Now this is an extreme example. Most people wouldn’t stay in a marriage under these conditions. But what are you conceding to make your wife happy?
Again, I have no problem with couples doing things simply to please each other. It’s mutual and that is what relationships and love are about. But it’s not a one-way street commanded by the “Great They” that she’s the only who matters.
Including yourself in your marriage is not selfish. Nor should it be considered a source of unhappiness for your wife. In a strong relationship your happiness should be as important as hers.
She should want for you what you want for her—to feel loved, accepted, and important.
If your sole goal is to “appease the goddess” at all times in all things, you will eventually stop respecting yourself (and, believe it or not, so will she.)
So, if you want to know how to move your marriage from Happy Life, Happy Wife to the more equal Happy Spouse, Happy House let’s talk.
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around the web this week:
Did I Marry the Right Person is the Wrong Question.
After being together for a while, some people tell themselves that they didn’t marry the right person, they never really loved each other, so there is really no way to make it better. In other words, they made the wrong decision.
What they don’t realize is that they may be focusing on the wrong thing. We tend to pay attention to things that bother us and overlook the positive aspects of our lives, including our partners and our marriages.
