“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. ” Joseph Barth
A fellow marriage blogger recently wrote that almost all relationships problems are due to selfishness. I would alter that to say that they are caused by self-centeredness.
Yes, the difference matters.
Selfishness implies you know that what you’re doing is problematic and you don’t care.
Self-centeredness is when you are trying to make yourself comfortable and aren’t aware of how you’re impacting others—including your spouse.
We are all self-centered, but not necessarily selfish. How you respond to your partner’s perspective of your behavior is what determines which one it is.
You each are trying to get your own way because that’s what makes you comfortable. Marriage is designed to shake things up.
Building a life with someone who has had different experiences and has different ways of doing things will be uncomfortable at times.
Most of the challenge comes when you try to bulldoze over these differences. Embracing them will make things much easier. Knowing how to do this is where most couples struggle.
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I think of it like the advice about what to do if you get caught in a rip current. The natural instinct is to swim towards shore. But if you do that, you will tire yourself out and possibly drown. Because you’re pushing against a stronger force.
You have to fight your fear and natural instincts, remain calm and swim parallel to the shore until you get out of the current.
Your natural tendency to hold on to your way of doing things—in your mind the “right” way—is what causes the problems. Because your wife is doing the same thing. So, instead of working together to create a new life, you’re both fighting for your old ones.
The more you push against each other, the more exhausted you will get. Instead of drowning, your marriage ends. A death of a different kind.
Being willing to expand your options is the way out of this struggle. And that means becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Yes, there are some truly irreconcilable differences, but how the towels are folded or the dishwasher is loaded don’t qualify. In those cases, you’re simply wanting things the way you want them. You’re being self-centered instead of looking for a solution you both can embrace.
It’s human to be self-centered. It’s just not relational. Having a good relationship means making room for both of you. This requires a willingness to be flexible so you can find a new level of comfort.
Where in your marriage are you flexible? Where are you rigid? Other than your comfort, what makes doing things your way so important? More important than your marriage?
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out to share where you struggle with self-centeredness in your marriage and I’ll send you a personal reply.
