“To give somebody your time is the biggest gift you can give.” Franka Potente
Yes, you may already be married but that doesn’t mean you are ready for it.
I’ve been thinking about this ever since I read Carolyn Hax’s relationship column in last Sunday’s paper.
Usually, I think her answers are dead on. This time—not so much.
The dilemma presented was an engaged couple who can’t agree on how to spend Christmas as a couple.
Unfortunately, many couples struggle with this. How you handle it will say a lot about how successful your marriage will be.
In this case, her single mother traditionally pays for her and the two daughters to go on vacation, often at an all-inclusive resort. He doesn’t want to go. Partly because he has no interest in that type of experience. He also says her family is “tightknit but bicker and snipe at each other.”
He comes from a “huge and happy extended family”. And Christmas is the only time they can all get together.
His fiancée wants to alternate between the families on the holidays. A common solution to this dilemma. But he says, “I won’t sacrifice my fun family time for her tense, expensive family time.”
His solution is for her family to join his every holiday or for them to spend the holidays apart—each with their respective families.
Carolyn’s response was that this is an opportunity to test “their ability to resolve issues like this.”
My take? This couple is not ready to get married.
It is not a “sacrifice” to spend time with your in-laws. Even if they have different interests or ideas. They are your spouse’s family.
Yes, there may be circumstances when being with your in-laws is untenable. But this situation is not one of them.
Choosing your family of origin over your spouse is a red flag for your marriage. Your primary alliance is to your spouse, no one else.
And part of a healthy marriage is putting aside what you want to support your partner in something that matters to them. Maybe not all the time. But most.
In this case, he wants nothing to change about how he celebrates the holidays. What she wants is completely dismissed, even if she is willing to alternate. Which is the solution many couples agree to.
A good marriage requires the ability to make room for each other. Not just sometimes. All the time.
It doesn’t mean you have to give up things that matter to you or even change your opinion about anything. But making room for the person you love is essential.
How you decide to spend the holidays is just one of the ways you can do this.
But if you’re not willing to do this, you really aren’t ready for marriage.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. If supporting your spouse or being supported by them is an issue, let’s talk about it.
AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK
Stop Getting Hijacked into a Fight
So there you are, having what you think is a non-controversial conversation with your spouse, when suddenly all you know what breaks lose. You can no longer think straight and all of your good intentions to stay on topic, be open to listening, and remain calm have gone out the window. What just happened? Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Life Coach Linda Carroll explains why having good communication skills sometimes isn’t enough.
