“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” – Brene Brown
In a recent post, I talked about the need for both compassion and accountability in your marriage. And the path to accountability runs directly through boundaries.
But, Lesli, I hear you say, aren’t boundaries just ultimatums?
Aren’t they a way to control your partner? To have things done your way?
In a word—NO!
Boundaries are the rules you establish to keep yourself safe and secure.
They are things you do for yourself, not to anyone else.
And good boundaries require three things to be effective.
First, you need Clarity. What exactly is the boundary you want to set? The more specific you can be, the easier your boundary is to understand and respect. Stating that you will not be called derogatory names is much clearer than saying you want to be spoken to respectfully.
There isn’t anything wrong with requesting the latter. It just leaves wriggle room and, therefore, an opportunity for misinterpretation and frustration.
Second, you need to understand your Motivation in setting the boundary. Because it is about you, it should be independent of any particular person’s behavior. If it is about not being called names, it doesn’t matter who is doing the name-calling. It is not acceptable under any circumstances.
Compassion in Your Marriage Does Not Replace Accountability
"Acknowledgment of torture is not accountability for it." Yousef Munayyer Last week a reader responded to my article that they, “had tried compassion but it made things worse.” No details were provided but it made me realize that I needed to do a follow-up piece....
Your Marriage Needs More of This
" Don’t be mean. There’s no need to be mean." Buckaroo Bonzai When I was in high school, the boy’s vice principal wanted to move our graduation from the football field, where it was traditionally held, to a more contained environment. (Hall of Liberty at Forest Lawn...
The Impact on Your Marriage of Needing to be “Right”
"Our addiction to always being right is a great block to the truth." Stephen Levine My father was an engineer to his core. Unfortunately, it contributed to one of his least admirable behaviors—correcting my mother. She would be telling a story and say something like,...
Now, you may have a boundary that applies more directly to one person because of your relationship with them. A boundary of monogamy is about your spouse. But it would be about any spouse, not just your current one.
Finally, you need to be able to Implement your boundary. The most important factor for success in boundary setting is having a plan for the inevitable push-back to it.
Push-back is a feature of boundary setting, not a flaw. And it is here that most boundaries fail. Because if you don’t hold to your boundary, it might as well not exist.
There must be consequences if someone refuses to honor your boundary. This is where they get confused with ultimatums.
An ultimatum is a threat to the other person. Do this or else.
A boundary is about a promise to yourself. You need to be willing to explain it but never have to defend or justify it. That is an unproductive response to the push-back.
And the consequences don’t have to be harsh. They can be tempered with compassion. But they do have to be applied consistently.
Remember, your boundary is about you. It’s universal to all your relationships. It isn’t about getting a particular person to change.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and share what challenges you might have in setting boundaries in your marriage.
