“I much prefer people who rock the boat to people who jump out.” Orson Welles
I’ve started something new this year—First Friday Ask Me Anything. It’s the chance for you to get free coaching about anything marriage related.
This month Paul took me up on the opportunity to ask about the lack of intimacy in his marriage. His story, like many I’ve heard over the years, broke my heart.
His wife refuses to be intimate with him. This has been going on not for months, but YEARS!
Worse, she absolutely refuses to talk about it.
And, worst of all, he can’t bring himself to press having that conversation.
My stance is that neither partner gets to opt out of a major aspect of marriage. Not finances, not running the household, and not intimacy.
And the only way to ensure this happens is to talk about things. What’s working. What’s not. What you each want. What you’re each willing to give.
I get it.
Having these conversations is tough. And the longer you don’t have them, the tougher they get.
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Lack of intimacy is destructive. Not because you need sex. No one has ever died from the lack of it.
But because it is isolating and rejecting. Qualities that don’t mesh with a happy, satisfying marriage.
Intimacy, in all its forms, is deeply connecting. And it can be negatively impacted in many ways.
Hence the need for continuing and honest conversations about it.
And every marriage needs to have those conversations.
Look, I know they’re hard because I’ve had to have them in my own marriage.
In fact, the most difficult conversation I ever had with my husband of almost 40 years was around intimacy. Even with all my knowledge and skill, it almost went off the rails.
It was hard to hear his position. It was challenging to express mine.
In truth, it never would have happened if he hadn’t been persistent in having it. And our relationship would have suffered as a result.
In the moment, it may seem easier to submit to suffering than to rock the boat. But at what long-term cost?
Rocking the boat is scary. But it’s the only thing that will bring change.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and let me know what gets in your way of having this conversation in your marriage.
