“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” —Dale Carnegie
I was talking to Sam, a prospective client, yesterday. He shared his desire to have a marriage without arguments, “a really peaceful relationship” while each still maintaining their own identities.
He expressed surprise when I told him that it is entirely possible to never fight or argue with your spouse.
It’s a reaction I get all the time.
The truth is you and your wife will disagree. Any two people will. But whether that escalates into an argument, or a fight, is up to you.
You can be upset by yourself. But you cannot argue by yourself. For that you need to be a willing partner. So if there are arguments or fights, you are choosing to.
Which means, if you truly want a peaceful marriage, you can have one.
But you will have to change what you are currently doing.
You may believe that the best way to stop fighting is to avoid conflict in the first place. But disagreeing about an issue only becomes conflict if you believe it will. And that’s the first mistake most people make.
Because if you interpret disagreement as conflict, you will set yourself up for an argument. The one thing you say you want to avoid.
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And while it’s possible to postpone dealing with your “conflict”, you can’t really avoid it. And the longer you wait to address it, the harder it will be to resolve.
That’s because you both will continue to gather information to support your positions and minimize or ignore information that contradicts them.
As a result, you both get more committed to your view of things. Which makes finding a solution even more difficult when you do try to talk about it.
Another option is to stonewall whenever the issue comes up. You refuse to engage on anything that remotely touches on the subject until the tension gets too much and something ignites the spark.
A third option is to give in. To find peace at any price. But appeasement is costly. It’s how you lose yourself because you are going along with things you don’t really agree with. Exactly what Sam didn’t want to have happen.
So the unproductive pattern continues until one of you is willing to change it.
And it is possible to change this pattern. To reach real agreement without harsh words, hard feelings or losing your identity. To no longer fear differences of opinions or disagreements.
So, if this sounds like something you want in your marriage, reach out and we’ll talk about how you can get it .
