“You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I found two definitions for generous:
- being liberal in giving or sharing, unselfish
- willing to give more of something than is usual or expected
Does your behavior as a husband align with either definition?
If you identify more with the second one, you’re probably doing harm to your marriage.
That’s because you’re putting conditions—usual or expected—on your generosity.
Do you decide what’s usual or expected or does your wife? And if you do, how’s that working for you?
I believe that expectations are the gremlins of marriage. They lock you both into limited behaviors. They also create the opportunity for scorekeeping.
If you do more than is expected, it sets you up to feel entitled. If your wife doesn’t reciprocate in the appropriate way, it gives you tacit permission to no longer make the “extra” effort that supports your marriage.
Instead of you both giving your all to each other and the relationship, you hold back to keep things equal. If your wife is doing the same, you will end up starving your marriage of the loving acts it needs to survive.
This is how couples go from “What would make my spouse feel good” to “What have you done for me lately.”
When you feel undervalued, disrespected, and unappreciated is it any wonder you don’t want to go beyond what’s “usual or expected”?
But this is how you and your marriage get caught in a downward spiral of negativity.
A hero steps up and takes the lead to bring everyone to safety.
A hero doesn’t worry about what others are doing or wait to be validated. They act because it’s the right thing to do. Reward isn’t the motivation.
However, you can change the dynamic with your generosity. When you behave in an unselfish manner, your partner often will respond in kind. Maybe not immediately.
But as you pour positivity into the marriage, the downward spiral stops. And then it reverses.
Your behavior gets reciprocated. Often without any awareness of why or how things turned around.
The nagging stops. The drama decreases. Intimacy and connection grow.
How can you be generous to your wife today? Every day?
You’ve got this. And if you don’t, I’ve got you. Hit reply and let me know how it goes.
One Thing You Can Do Today to Improve Your Marriage
You hear it all the time: Marriage takes work. But what if there was something you could easily do everyday that would make it easier? Guess what? There is. It doesn’t cost any money and you don’t even need to leave your house. Dr. Erin Leyba, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the author of Joy Fixes for Weary Parents, reveals and discusses this “miracle” action.
