“I didn’t exactly want to get divorced. I didn’t exactly not want to…” Cheryl Strayed
You’re having an okay day. Not great, but not bad either. Just like most days. So you’re not expecting it when your wife says that she’s not happy and is seriously considering divorce. So seriously in fact that she’s talked about her options with an attorney.
You feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. You can’t think. You can’t even breathe. But what you do next may be the most important decision you will ever make.
This is what happened to a friend of Paul’s, one of my CrossFit buddies. He stopped me after class last week to get my take on what his friend should do.
Paul also shared that if his wife had talked to an attorney, that would be it for him.
Unfortunately, that’s a common reaction. One based in hurt and anger. But it is often a mistake.
You, and Paul’s friend, might want to take her statement as a wake-up call, not a reason to throw in the towel.
This is especially true if you have children.
So, the first thing you need to do is breathe. The second? Breathe again. Keep breathing until you grab control of your fear, hurt, anger, and any other emotion racing through your body.
It’s important to hear your wife’s words. It’s more important to pay attention to her actions.
Too many people think there are only two options: stay in a marriage that doesn’t feel good or leave. Maybe that’s what she believes. Maybe you do too.
But it isn’t true. There is another way. Make it better.
The truth is you don’t have any time to waste. Focusing on your feelings is not going to fix things. The only thing that will is taking action. If you want to save your marriage and keep your family intact.
One of my mentors, Marriage and Family Therapy Professor William Doherty, did research in connection with the Family Court in Minneapolis. He discovered that both partners of at least 30% of the couples going through the system reported they wanted to stay married. They just didn’t know how to get off the divorce super-highway.
But you can keep you, your marriage, and your family from ever getting on it by stepping up and doing what it takes to get things back on track.
Yes, your wife isn’t perfect and has some responsibility in what your marriage looks like. But focusing on her, instead of taking charge of what you can change—your behavior-will only make things worse..
A hero is someone who shows great courage in the face of challenges. It is someone who refuses to live in a passive way.
So, if your wife is considering divorce, don’t be passive. Step up. Take charge. Be the hero who fights for what he believes in.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and let me know what support you need to make your marriage epic.
AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK
3 Simple Things You Can Do to Have a Better Marriage
It’s commonly accepted that marriage is hard. That it requires work. That’s only because many couples stop doing the things that led to getting married in the first place.
Yes, everyday life happens. Sometimes even bad things happen.
But none of it has to sink your marriage. Author Leah Hefner reveals how three simple behaviors can protect and support your marriage, so it can be your soft place to fall.
