“I like people who refuse to speak until they are ready to speak.” Lillian Hellman
I have long said that the only thing that requires an immediate response is, “Does the doctor perform emergency surgery?” Anything else? You’ve got time.
You may not think so when your wife says those five dreaded words—“Honey, we need to talk.”
Yes, yes you do. But maybe not at the exact moment she makes the statement. She may be ready for the conversation she wants to have. But are you? More than likely you’re a deer caught in the headlights.
Your mind races. What did you say? What did you do? Are you in the doghouse again or is it something less serious? Whatever it is, your primal brain hits overdrive and your body prepares to fight or flee. Not an optimal condition for having a productive conversation.
I’ve been thinking about this since I watched a show where one character stops her partner, a homicide detective, on her way out the door. She starts a conversation about wanting to have another child. The detective isn’t in a position to have this conversation. He’s on his way to investigate a murder and isn’t thinking about adding to the family.
Needless to say, it didn’t go well.
Can you relate?
Maybe not about the topic but about the approach?
Yes, if your wife wants to have a conversation about a particular issue, you need to make time to have it. But there is nothing that says you have to have it at the moment she brings it up.
In fact, that would be a big mistake. And it’s one big way that your conversations go sideways.
You wouldn’t walk into a meeting with your biggest client unprepared. You would be worried you would get caught off guard by something. So why would you “meet” with your wife on the fly?
The best way to respond when she says she wants to talk is to acknowledge her desire. Tell her you want to be able to give her concerns your complete attention and right now you’re not able to do that. Then propose another time in the near future—no more than 5 days—to have the conversation when you are both better prepared.
Then be there ready to begin the conversation at the agreed upon time. If you don’t follow through, she won’t agree the next time you ask for a different time.
This technique gives you both time to think through your positions and plan your approach. This allows you to make real progress instead of being sidetracked into an argument.
It may take a few attempts before she readily agrees to this new approach. But the results will speak for themselves.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you are looking to improve communication, reach out and let me know.
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