Do you make your wife jump through hoops to get courtesy and compassion from you? If so, you’re putting your marriage in grave danger.
I was thinking about this during a session earlier today with my clients Todd and Susan (not their real names). She was hurt when he left her at the car as he walked with their two children to the restaurant where they had a dinner reservation. She was still gathering up the diaper bag and other child-related paraphernalia necessary for a public meal with children.
When she caught up with them, Susan made a comment about Todd “being a real gentleman.” Now, sarcasm is rarely helpful at times like this, but she once more felt like nothing more than the help. Todd explained he didn’t want to be late for the reservation. What Susan felt was that helping her wasn’t as important as how a stranger might view them for being a few minutes late.
Instead of acknowledging her feelings, he wanted her to justify why what he had done was so “bad”. He thought he was doing a good thing and she was overreacting.
Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal if it was an isolated incident, and their relationship was otherwise good. But neither is accurate. They’re seeing a marriage coach after all.
As I listened to their story, I flashed back to two behaviors my father would engage in when my two sisters and I were fairly young.
The first is when we would be on a road trip and one of us would ask him to stop at the next opportunity so we could go to the bathroom. His response, “No, I don’t have to go.”
So there we would be, three small girls squirming and doing the “pee” dance in the car. Hoping to make it until Dad needed to stop. Knowing the reaction if one of us had an “accident”.
The second—when I would be upset and actually crying, Dad would say, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something good to cry about.” At five, I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I still do and swore those words would never come out of my mouth to my children.
Obviously, I thought I had good reason to cry. The fact my father didn’t said more about him than me.
Yes, my crying made him uncomfortable. He wouldn’t cry in that circumstance so I shouldn’t either.
But his not being hurt did not negate my hurt. The same is true of Todd and Susan. And for you and your wife. Trying to make it so only adds insult to injury.
As a child I had no recourse. As a spouse I do. And so does yours.
The appropriate response when your wife expresses hurt is to be compassionate. You don’t have to feel the same way about the same things. But expressing support and care for her feelings, even if you meant no harm, is the relational thing to do. It makes her feel seen, loved, and supported.
All things you want her to feel.
It is okay to ask for more clarification about the source of the hurt but only after her feelings are acknowledged. And then, it’s about gathering information about what matters to her not to make her defend her right to feel that way.
Oh, and she owes you the same courtesy. Your feelings and reasons for having them are not open for debate either. Acknowledging them is loving. Understanding them—meaning they must make sense to you—is not.
The fact that different things bother you is not the problem. How you handle these differences might well be.
And in marriage, you can never go wrong with compassion and courtesy.
If you’re tired of doing this dance with your spouse, schedule your 5 Star Relationship Call with me today.
around the web this week:
Join Lesli and Dr. Travis Perry of the Balanced Advisor Podcast and they discuss Building Relationship Balance.
Listening is Good, Compassionate Listening is Better
Most people break communication down into two activities—speaking and listening. But how you do each can make all the difference in your marriage. And guess what? Very few of us actually learn how to do either effectively. What generally happens is you listen to respond. Which means you aren’t listening deeply, and this is how misunderstandings and miscommunications happen. Listening to understand or, more importantly, Compassionate Listening is how connection and real intimacy begin. Michael Gingerich and Tom Kaden, founders of Someone to Tell It To, explain both the differences and benefits of this type of listening.
Are You Making Your Spouse Do the “Pee” Dance
Okay, that was to get your attention. But when you make your spouse explain their needs until you understand them, instead of simply accept them, you leave them feeling unheard and unloved.
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Good Guys, Great Husbands
