Back in 2002, Richard Carlson published Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life. It’s a short collection of 100 pieces of advice to help you stop obsessing over little things that bother you and bring unnecessary stress to your life. It can be really helpful for you as an individual.
As marriage advice—not so much.
The first challenge is in identifying what is “small stuff” between the two of you. You may think something is small and not worth worrying over or even thinking about. But, if your wife feels differently, you dismiss it (and her) at your peril.
The repetitive arguments over dishes in the sink or shoes left in the living room (mea culpa on this one) may not be about the dishes or the shoes. You may have every intention of dealing with them but, hey, you forgot and, no big deal, they will eventually get taken care of.
Unless your wife ends up dealing with them again and again and again and resentment sets in. For her, it’s about her wishes being taken into consideration and being important enough to you for an effort to be made to honor those wishes.
As you can see, it’s not about the small stuff–a lone glass left in the sink–but what that glass represents.
The same can be true about consistently being five-minutes late or not answering her texts consistently or in a timely fashion. To you, they’re no big deal. To her, it’s about not feeling like a priority to you.
See—not really small stuff.
The second problem with not sweating the small stuff is that it can add up to big stuff.
Think about the broken window theory of crime. One unrepaired broken window is a signal that no one cares, and so breaking more windows costs nothing. This leads to increased crime and civil disorder.
Most marriages don’t end due to a big event, but a series of small, repetitive ones. One “window” gets broken and goes unrepaired. Then another and another.
Your love and marriage die the death of a thousand cuts.
Everyday issues and annoyances that accumulate lead to unhappiness and divorce if left unaddressed.
It’s the small things in life that can add up to so much in how you feel in your relationship.
Remembering, and honoring, the special events in a big way are wonderful. But it’s the things you both do every day that will be the glue that holds your marriage together. Or tear it apart.
So, if you want to know how to either recognize or address the “small stuff”, let’s talk.
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