The dictionary defines nagging as ‘persistently annoying or finding fault with someone’. Another definition is ‘to annoy someone by constant demands or complaints’. Is this a dynamic in your marriage? If it is, you need to address it now. The longer it goes on, the greater the odds your marriage will end.
Nagging takes the form of verbal reminders, requests, and pleas. You can say it in a number of different ways, but when you say it in a number of different ways over and over again, that constitutes nagging. And asking for the same thing over and over again — believe it or not — just doesn’t work.
In fact, it annoys both of you and it lessens the intimacy in your relationship.
According to an article that appeared in The Wall Street Journal, nagging can be as damaging to a marriage as infidelity or disagreements about money.
And, if you’re the one on the receiving end of the nagging, you get this.
Naggers often think they are just giving “helpful” reminders. But what they actually are saying is “do it my way in the time frame that works best for me.”
And that isn’t positive relational behavior. It’s actually a form of control.
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Nagging is often the first step in a negative cycle of behavior. Because the first reminder isn’t acted on, it gets repeated in various ways. Often, with increasing negativity. And it gets met with defensiveness and withdrawal. A vicious downward spiral is the result.
So, if you are the one being nagged, what are your options?
First, take a breath. Or three. Or five. Responding when you’re resentful or frustrated will only make the situation worse.
Second, ask what your partner really wants. Don’t let her get away with complaining about what you aren’t doing. Get specifics about her desired outcome. Then decide if it is something you can get on board with.
If you can do part of it but not all—maybe the time frame won’t work—then enter into negotiation until you reach an agreement you both can support and implement. Make sure you have covered all the details and you each are clear about what the action steps you each are going to take.
If you aren’t willing to do any of it, then say so calmly and kindly. Be willing to offer an alternative but do not agree just to end the conversation.
Saying you will do something you don’t intend to do is what feeds the nagging in the first place. It might give you peace in the moment but will only continue the cycle. And the damage.
Yes, this might be hard at first. But just because one of you wants something, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. You are a team of equals and you both get a say.
The sooner you learn how to navigate requests from each other, the happier your marriage will be.
If you’re ready to stop this harmful cycle, schedule a time to talk with me .
around the web this week:
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Watch your tone, mister. Seriously.
“Tone is really a reflection of the emotion that the words themselves don’t necessarily convey,” says Lesli Doares, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Hero Husband: Building a Super Marriage with Truth, Confidence and Authentic Leadership.
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