Here’s the scenario—your wife is on the verge of, or actually in, tears. You’re finding it difficult to not only understand what she’s saying but to even understand why she is upset. In your mind, she is blowing the situation out of proportion, but you know better than to say that.
So, you play devil’s advocate, correct her factual errors, or try to “fix” the problem. And it only seems to make the situation worse. Sound familiar?
I get it. You don’t want her to be in pain, especially if she is holding you responsible for it. When she is hurting, you feel like you have failed her. You try everything you can think of to make it better because failing her hurts you. Unfortunately, most of what you’re doing is actually to stop your pain, not hers.
There is a neurobiological reason this is happening—human beings are wired to avoid pain–but it doesn’t make it any less unproductive. In fact, relying on this instinct assures failure. Because what you are doing to avoid your own pain increases hers.
It can be extremely difficult to override your defense response, especially when you feel you are being unjustly attacked. But taking a page out of the Customer Service Handbook can help. (Courtesy of my publisher Trevor Crane of Epic Author.)
Here are 4 simple steps that will calm her down and help you handle the situation with remarkable success:
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1. Take a deep breath. Or two, or three. The old adage to count to ten before taking action when you’re upset is grounded in science. So when you feel your defensiveness kick in, pausing to breathe will help your cognitive brain to connect with and override your primal brain which is telling you to fight or flee. When you can approach your wife calmly it invites her to calm down as well.
2.Ask her what happened. Then just listen. Do not correct anything you feel is factually incorrect, misunderstood, or, in your view, unimportant. Monitor yourself for any signs of fight or flight and continue to breathe through them. When she seems to have come to the end of the story, ask her, “Is there more?”
3. Ask her what should have happened. This is an important step that will shed light both on what the real issue is for her as well what lens she uses to view the world. Again, just listen without weighing in on the accuracy of her perspective. She is upset about something much deeper than either of you might be aware of so it’s okay to ask clarifying questions from a place of either curiosity or confusion.
4. Finally, ask her how “we” can make it right. This turns whatever she is upset about into a request for a specific corrective action. This is where you can negotiate what you feel capable of doing. Again, you aren’t trying to correct her perception or state where you don’t agree. (Those are conversations for another time.) You’re looking for a way to reconnect with her in a way that feels authentic and acceptable to you both.
Relationships follow a pattern of connection, disconnection, and repair. When she is upset, for whatever reason, it can lead to disconnection. These steps are simple but not easy because of how your brain is wired. But taking the time to learn to do them well will save a lot of heartache—for you, for her, and for your relationship.
If you want to take your relationship skills to a higher level, let’s talk.
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Marriage Contract?
Marriage is a contract—a legally binding one. But the terms of that contract? Well, those aren’t clearly specified in the marriage vows. And this frequently leads to confusion, misunderstandings, and, often, unspoken expectations that are rarely met. These are the mine fields that an actual Couples Contract can help you avoid. Patrick Frank, the creator of the Couples Contract explains why he created it and how it is proving useful as a tool to establish a clear relationship framework.
