It’s happened again. A frantic phone call from a man whose wife just asked for a divorce. He was devastated and, worse, blindsided. He thought everything was fine. Not stupendous but okay. Certainly not bad enough to end the marriage.
Now, he’s desperate. He loves her. He loves the kids. He loves his life. All he can see is pending doom. Everything he has is hanging by a thread. How did this happen?
Unfortunately, this is a far too common scenario. And, despite his reaction, it really shouldn’t be a surprise.
One partner asking another for a divorce should never be a surprise. So, what happened?
There are 3 common reasons for this.
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First, you are using your perception of the health of your marriage as the standard. You might be fine with the way things are, but is your partner? If you can’t, with absolute certainty, state how your spouse feels about your marriage, it is in danger. Assuming your partner feels the way you do is comfortable but not wise. (There is a very famous adage about what happens when you assume.)
If you aren’t sure how satisfied your spouse is with your relationship, make it a priority to find out.
Second, your wife no longer shares her dissatisfaction with the marriage, and you take it to mean that everything is fine. The truth is that she has given up on anything changing and is planning when and how she will leave. This is the main reason men get blindsided.
In this scenario, no more complaints or requests for change does not mean everything is fine. Unless you know that an issue has been addressed and resolved completely, silence is not golden. It wouldn’t be okay to go years without getting feedback about your job performance but somehow ignorance about the health of your most important relationship is acceptable.
Remember, in your marriage, ignorance is not bliss.
Finally, the last reason for a surprise divorce is that you have let your marriage suffer the “death of a thousand cuts.” You’ve stopped making your wife and your marriage a priority.
Sure, you know you should be having date nights or taking romantic getaways. And you meant to do it someday. But “someday” is not on any calendar. And your marriage will suffer from neglect in the meantime.
Making regular time to spend together as a couple enables you to keep tabs on the quality of your marriage. If you want it to thrive, not just survive, it needs your active attention.
Otherwise, you just might get blindsided.
If you want some simple steps to keep your marriage healthy, let’s talk.
around the web this week:
To Feel or Not to Feel—What is the Answer?
Do you struggle with feeling emotions or expressing them? Do you think all emotions are created equal? Do you only want to feel some of them and not others? Emotions aren’t good or bad, they’re just another form of information. So why do most of us have some difficulty with them? Because they can be both confusing and you’ve probably been taught to suppress them. But knowing how to deal with them—yours as well as the emotions of others—is a critical relationship skill that can be developed. Author Dyanne Brown reveals what makes dealing with emotions so challenging and how you can be better at it.
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