The Free Dictionary defines the phrase “let it all hang out” as “being emotionally open or direct”, or “to express one’s emotions directly.” Sounds great right? Like so many things in marriage, it depends.

Yes, you want to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner. But how you do it matters.

Spewing all over them can be overwhelming and unwelcome—even if your feelings are positive ones. And, if they’re the harder ones, you can do real damage to your relationship.

I have a hot temper and it got me into a lot of trouble before I learned to manage it. And, I have my husband to thank for starting me on that journey.

Now, I wasn’t angry all the time—only when one of my values would be violated. But when I got angry, whoever happened to be present would be the recipient of my wrath. This was true whether or not it had anything to do with them. I felt entitled to give voice to it and damn the consequences.

Until the day my husband said to me, “When you get upset, would you please not take a flame thrower to everything in your path?”

He didn’t ask me not to be upset. He wasn’t trying to control my feelings. He was asking me to behave differently.

This is the essence of the third kind of boundary—The Containing Boundary.

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A containing boundary is the pause between what you feel and what you do. It’s about emotional regulation. It’s what helps you live a life of integrity.

It’s also what keeps you from polluting the world around you.

If you have rigid containing boundaries you might not share a lot of information. You struggle with being vulnerable; won’t ask for help. You also might not be very accountable for your behavior. (See me above.)

If your containing boundary is more porous, you may monitor others, try to grab their attention, or even act out. You may also provide justification for why the free expression of your feelings is okay, no matter who might be negatively impacted by it.

It’s also possible that you bounce back and forth between rigid and porous boundaries depending on the situation or who you are with. You may be more circumspect in public or at work but dump everything out on your living room rug when you get home. Much to the dismay and hurt of your partner and children.

The truth is that your feelings are always okay. But your behavior in response to a feeling may not be. And you are responsible for the consequences that follow.

Learning to pause. To take a deep breath, or two, or ten, is how to access your containing boundary. It’s how you align your actions with how you say you want to be in the world—how you put your values into everyday behavior.

Do it well and both you and your marriage will be infinitely happier.

If you struggle with managing your emotions, let’s talk.

around the web this week:

I Love My Spouse,

I Love Them Not

Do you ever feel like you’re in a “push me/pull you” relationship with your partner? Are you afraid your relationship will end so you either hang on to your partner with everything you’ve got or hold them at arm’s length so it won’t hurt so much when it ends? When things aren’t going great, do you question if your partner is “the one”? Psychotherapist Sarah Murphy explains what is going on and how you can get your relationship on a healthier and happier path.