One of my go-to lines about marriage has to do with “yours, mine, and ours”. It comes up when I hear someone talking about “my” money or “your” cat. I jokingly say that the only things that are “yours” and “mine” are shoes and underwear. (And sometimes not even underwear.) Everything else is communal.
That’s not to say that you can’t or don’t have preferences or that there is no need to ask about eating the leftover burrito for lunch.
Nor does it mean that you don’t mutually agree to ride the bicycle that fits you best, drive the car you prefer, or wear the clothes that you bought.
It’s just a way of thinking about your marriage and how you are in it together.
One of the areas in a relationship that really isn’t mutual is behavior. You are always responsible for yours. Your wife is always responsible for hers.
Unfortunately, this is frequently the place where blame is either projected or, worse, actually accepted by one or the other of you.
This is where the need for the second kind of boundary—the Psychological Boundary—comes in.
A psychological boundary creates psychological space between you and someone else. It’s where you end, and the world begins.
It’s a gatekeeper of energy and information flow between the two of you. And it has two parts.
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First, it allows you to let in information that is healthy and keep out what isn’t. If what the other person is saying about you is true, you are able to let it in. If it doesn’t resonate as true, then it belongs to your partner.
This is the essence of the second part. Your partner’s perspective and their thoughts and feelings about what’s happening are theirs. And it is kind and respectful to let them experience their own emotional journey without needing to change it or try and fix it.
Even if it makes either, or both, of you uncomfortable.
This is at the heart of my issue with “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Yes, if you are doing something that causes difficulties in your marriage, it needs to be addressed. But her temporary dismay at something that is actually not a problem but just different than what she wants, is not yours to fix.
Now, this is not explicit permission to act however you want and her feelings be damned. But it is about being able to separate what is yours from what is hers.
The way to do this is to have a conversation about what is bothering her. Really listen to understand and be willing to own whatever part accurately is about you and your behavior.
Then be willing to remain present and available as she works through the part that is her feeling, perspective, or belief. Just resist the urge to take it on and “agree” to things that aren’t about you. This is pretty challenging for most people. If it is for you and this is a pattern in your marriage, let’s talk.
around the web this week:
Your Feelings Matter to You and Your Marriage
Yes, feelings are messy. They can be uncomfortable. But they are necessary for your survival and the health of your relationships. More than likely your feeling love for your partner is why you got married in the first place. You probably have some concern for your and their happiness—also a feeling. But, in order to feel happiness, you have to be willing to feel some of the harder emotions like hurt, disappointment, and frustration. You can’t selectively shut down feelings. It’s feel them all or feel none of them. Writer, coach, and facilitator Pieter Van Winkle provides a step-by-step way to get started.
The Three Hardest Words to Say to Your Wife
No, it’s not “I love you” but “I am sorry” Being able to take responsibility for your actions is a super power.
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