Some commonly accepted marriage advice is just plain wrong. The admonition for men to just say, “yes, dear” is unhealthy. So is the refrain “happy wife, happy life.” A relationship that is solely focused on one partner’s feelings is destined to be challenging.
Yet, when I ask many of my clients what they want, almost to a man I hear, “I want my wife to be happy.” This is a loving, desirable goal. It’s also impossible because happiness is both a choice and an inside job.
No matter how much you want it, you cannot “make” her happy. Yes, you can do things that make it more likely but, if the cost is your own well-being, it’s a deal with the devil.
I’m a big proponent of saying “Yes” to each other as often as you can because, sometimes, you have to say “No”. And every “No” is a hit to the marriage.
The “yesses” are like deposits into your marriage account and “noes” are withdrawals. The bigger your balance, the less impact any particular “no” will have.
And saying “no” to your wife isn’t about controlling her. It’s about honoring yourself. It’s a boundary in action. A limit that you are setting about what is okay with you and what isn’t.
Setting and enforcing clear and reasonable boundaries leads to closer relationships.
Boundaries bring clarity. Clarity brings kindness. And kindness brings good feelings.
Understanding the different types of boundaries, and what is driving them, will help you create the successful marriage you want.
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The most basic type of boundary is a physical boundary—the physical and energetic edges of you. It includes anything you take in—stimuli and your senses—and communicates “safe” or “not safe”. Your sexual boundaries are included here as well.
If your brain interprets threat—whether real or a memory—your body is going to react to protect itself.
And your primal brain is scanning your environment for threat 4x per second. Yes, 4X PER SECOND.
You and your wife are doing this constantly and, based on your individual histories, you each will have unique assessments of threat. As a result, you will react differently to the same stimuli or situation.
How comfortable you are giving or receiving touch, the kind of touch you like, how capable you are of feeling your physical being—breathing, heartbeat, temperature, etc., how you respond to the physical environment, etc. all play a role in establishing your physical boundaries.
And these boundaries can be fluid. What’s physically acceptable with your partner is probably different than what’s acceptable with a stranger.
But. You. Decide.
Establishing your physical boundaries and honoring your wife’s is the first step in creating the sense of safety necessary for real and lasting intimacy.
If you find it difficult to connect with your physical or emotional self, let’s talk.
around the web this week:
Men, Emotions, and Marriage
Dealing with challenging emotions is challenging for many people, but it can be especially difficult for men. It isn’t that they don’t have emotions. It’s just that they often don’t access them as easily as women can. This is a function of both culture and experience. But it has real world consequences for their marriages. It can be easier to let your wife deal with emotions in your relationship but that will prevent intimacy and connection.
Richard Matzkin, author of LOVING PROMISES: The Master Class For Creating Magnificent Relationship and MANifesto: A Call For Men To Become Warriors For Kindness, reveals why men need to experience the full range of emotions and how to begin to do that.
Yes, You Need to Say “No” to Your Wife Sometimes
You should say “yes” as often as you can but sometimes you need to say “no”. Knowing when and how to do that is key. (And when you never should.)
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